Category: looking back

Annual Look Back, 2015 Edition

It’s new years again, and you know what that means? Annual blog update!

2015 was a whirlwind, I’m sure I did more things than I can remember. It’s often the case. That’s kind of the flaw of only writing once a year. But I think it’s also a testament to just how busy I’ve been this year, even if I wanted to write I don’t think I would have had much time to. 2015 was full of things, experiences, assignments, people,  and adventure. It certainly feels like I’ve had less time in a given day, but it also feels that during this past year I’ve gotten more done in any given day than I have ever before. If 2015 could be summed up by a single word, it would be “productive”.

Let’s break it down. 


Perspective


Of all the Vlogbrothers videos of 2013, this has been the one that has resonated with me the most.

It’s the “Harvey” moment. Where it’s too soon to tell if it’s an epiphany, or a pivotal moment, but you can tell that you’ve definitely not felt worse, and things get better and better from that point on. That resonating experience that truly marks the first day of the rest of your life.

My 2 million seconds have already passed. It was when I landed back in Toronto coming home from Europe. Setting foot back down in Canada, having gained the confidence required to survive travelling abroad alone. Knowing that not only am I capable of achieving, but being filled with the ambition to actively seek that achievement. That’s my Harvey moment. That was the first day if the rest of my life.


I need a recharge

Welp. I’m back obsessing over the internet.

For a while I just assumed it was some sort of pattern of boredom/interest, but I think it’s more than that. When I get overwhelmed with real people, whether they be at my job or at university, I shut down. I get cynical. I get grumpy. I become cold, distant, and unmotivated.

Katie Salmers, Radiance in Revolution

I’ve been feeling a lot of these same things lately, and I think it’s because, like Katie, I haven’t been creating or producing anything. It’s hard sometimes, because it takes energy to create. But lately I feel like I’ve been pouring all of my energy into getting through my day, into making it seem like I don’t want to be anywhere else than at work, into making myself smile to every customer who comes into the store, into keeping myself from yelling at some of my coworkers.

By the time I get home I’m mentally exhausted. What little energy I still have left  I use to keep holding back the frustrations from the day from getting loose on my family. When asked how my day was I usually respond with, “finally over”, and when someone asks how I am I say tired. I go downstairs, and I turn myself off.


Looking back at 2012

To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favourite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.

– Conan O’Brien

I’d like to say that 2012 will standout as on of the key years that helped define the years that would follow it. I don’t know if it will, or won’t, but if feels like it might. 2012 started out fairly interestingly. Shortly before Christmas, my first (albeit short) relationship in long than I’d like ended. New Years wasn’t exciting. I broke my hand in a fit of frustration as previous events culminated with the shattering of a simple mug that, when filled with tea, reminded me of nothing but my Opa, as nothing else did. Things didn’t exactly start off on the highest of notes, and for a few months it didn’t seem like they would start looking up.

Then spring came along. Thinking back it’s actually hard to keep track of what happened in spring. I started going to Tonight It’s Poetry more frequently. D&D became much more regular. Nick popped up for St. Patrick’s Day (I think). Things got more social. They were looking up. Will was gearing up to go to China, Steph was gearing up to go to South America. Tony was gearing up to go back to Ontario (even though he was in BC and it wouldn’t actually effect how much we hung out). People all around me were DOING things. And it was exciting! Thinking of all my friends going off on adventures! The places they’d go! The people they’d see! The things they’d do! The STORIES they’d tell! I couldn’t WAIT for them to go! I even went on a tiny adventure of my own and took the Jeep to Winnipeg to visit Rachel and get my fill of sister hangouts. Later, I made a giant rice crispy square (and it was DELICIOUS).

And as I was becoming more and more excited for everyone around me to start their adventures… They were suddenly gone. All the time I spent helping them get ready to leave, I never actually thought that they would really be leaving, and what I would do without them. With Steph gone, who would spark spontaneous adventure? With Will gone, who would keep on my case to keep me off my own case? To keep my head in the game? Who would do dishes with me in our underwear on webcam for all of Reddit to see?

And all at once I was lost.
All at once I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.
All at once I realized I knew exactly what I was doing. I was doing nothing.
I didn’t know what to do.


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