Welp. I’m back obsessing over the internet.

For a while I just assumed it was some sort of pattern of boredom/interest, but I think it’s more than that. When I get overwhelmed with real people, whether they be at my job or at university, I shut down. I get cynical. I get grumpy. I become cold, distant, and unmotivated.

Katie Salmers, Radiance in Revolution

I’ve been feeling a lot of these same things lately, and I think it’s because, like Katie, I haven’t been creating or producing anything. It’s hard sometimes, because it takes energy to create. But lately I feel like I’ve been pouring all of my energy into getting through my day, into making it seem like I don’t want to be anywhere else than at work, into making myself smile to every customer who comes into the store, into keeping myself from yelling at some of my coworkers.

By the time I get home I’m mentally exhausted. What little energy I still have left  I use to keep holding back the frustrations from the day from getting loose on my family. When asked how my day was I usually respond with, “finally over”, and when someone asks how I am I say tired. I go downstairs, and I turn myself off.

They only break from the cycle is when I see my friends. I’ve been very conscious of who my friends are and have surrounded myself with people who fill me with energy.  People who inspire me in many different ways. Coffee, brunches, lunches, even just sitting on the couch. Being with the people I’ve chosen to be my friends recharges my batteries. It’s what gives me the energy and drive I need to create and to push myself to keep moving forward.

This summer was one of the greatest summers I’ve ever experienced. I did so much, experienced things I’d never thought I’d give myself the chance to experience, met so many people, and really allowed myself to grow as a person in so many incredible ways. But it’s hard to keep that momentum moving forward right now. Besides just feeling drained and tired the past few weeks, I feel stunted. I feel like I can’t keep growing where I am right now.

There’s a lot keeping me where I am right now, though. I’m still paying off the Visa bill I ran up while in Europe, paying off student loans from when I was in uni, and trying to manage my other debts. It’s a big weight. I’m also applying to schools in BC, Ontario, and Alberta. Dealing with applications, transcripts, different admissions requirements, it’s a bit overwhelming. But I’m doing it. It’s the little I can do to push myself to keep moving towards the career I’m passionate about. To get out of this office and industry that drains me every day, and out of this city that, while I love it, keeps me feeling stunted and unable to stretch out to my full potential.

I hesitate to speak about Saskatoon like that, because I really do love this city. It’s not without its problems, no city is, and there are amazing people here. But I feel like I’ve outgrown a lot of what it can offer me. The schools here are good, I absolutely adore the U of S and wish I was back there every day. SIAST has some fantastic programs. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that going to SIAST would be settling. I’m tired of a lot of things, but most of all I’m tired of settling. Settling for ‘good enough’ or ‘for now’.

Of course it’s going to be hard to move away and go to school. It’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done up until this point. But so was going to Europe by myself. At that point in my life, that was the hardest challenge I’d ever faced. And I did it, I succeeded. Not only did I succeed but I thrived. I love Saskatoon, but I can’t thrive here.

So I guess I’m biding my time for now. I’m keeping my head down, and working to pay my debts and save what I can so I can leave. I’m getting my applications out there, waiting for word back on what I need to upgrade, and getting by in the meantime. But I need to recharge. I need to spend more time with the friends I’ve been so careful in cultivating. And with that energy I need to start creating again. I’ve let my SoulPancake challenge lapse. I need to get out with my GoPro. I need to keep playing guitar.

Most importantly, I need to take stock in the things that I enjoy doing and just do them.